This post contains deeply spiritual personal reflections and isn’t meant for readers looking for straightforward self-help advice. Please see my earlier blog posts for that.
Today I had an epiphany, it’s been brewing for a few days.
It started when I explored an unusual pain and asked it what it wanted to communicate to me. The answer I received was rather strange. It wanted me to believe that I was desirable. That wellbeing would desire me.
When I opened up to that idea, I found the concept of kintsugi really helpful. Kinstugi, is an art form in which broken pottery is repaired with gold, highlighting the imperfection. The idea that all my perceived ‘cracks’ were actually the means by which I share my light helped me find desirability in my imperfections. My physical scars, lobsided face, lispy speech and disabled shoulder resulting from the cancer surgeries, plus my whole history of living with a long-term health condition, are all part of a history that has taught me the lessons which have strengthened my connection to the light within me and my willingness to share it and let it be seen.
But today I realised it’s more than that. I am not just desirable to the energy of wellbeing, I am deserving of wellbeing no matter what I do or who I am. Because we all have that light within us!
So many of my life lessons have been about learning to surrender. In a state of surrender I am allowing myself to be bestowed with wellbeing, I am allowing the divine to do its stuff and take care of me. I am allowing myself to be unconditional worthy of wellbeing.
Even as I write this my human mind is telling me this must be wrong, my body is a temple I’m supposed to take care of, but I think that care is supposed to be an act of love and devotion, not a condition of worth. It’s not that my body will let me down if I don’t care about it. It’s really about becoming a conduit of love. About remebering to love everything, even a body that appears to be letting me down at times.
In the words of Abraham Hicks: ‘We do not come into this world to create with the physical, action is the means by which we are meant to enjoy our human existence.’ In respect to self-care, that means the pleasure that comes from sharing an act of love with my body. How much better would life be if taking care of yourself was never again an obligation, but always simply an act of love?
So how do I explain having a body that isn’t radiating wellbeing? I’ve come to believe that in this human existence our purpose is to unlearn all the conditions of worth we learn about physical wellbeing. The collective consciousness teaches us to create a consciousness of illness and that consciousness creates our reality. Or perhaps illness is a part of our soul contract, something we chose before we came into this human form so that we can learn and grow in ways that our soul and/or the planet as a whole need us to?
One thing I feel strongly about, is that our divine purpose is to remember who we are, as infinite beings of love, infinitely abundant with a natural source of inner wellbeing. Eating well, moving well, taking care of ourselves is about remembering that our body deserves that love just as much as everything else in the universe does.
BUT… that doesn’t mean we have to do all those things to be well.
More important, it is to believe we are unconditionally worthy of wellbeing. Because we are unconditionally worthy of love, because we are love, because we are divine beings living a human existence. Our part is to unlearn all the condition this human experience throws at us and remove from our consciousness those blocks to receiving all that we desire.
Because all that we desire, desires us!
Throughout my experience of cancer I’ve had faith that I will be well, I’ve trusted my body has got this, and although I’ve done a few quantum healing meditations, I’ve done my best not to micromanage the healing, I’ve done my best to simply trust my body knows what it’s doing.
From time to time my little human voice has told me I’m not doing enough self-healing, but somehow I remembered that it’s OK I don’t have to. I’ve simply loved myself and my body through it all. I’ve even done my best to love the parts of me that became cancerous, knowing that it was never a conscious intention of theirs to attack me. I’ve chosen to believe that the universe works for me. For me to learn and grow and remember!
There are still big challenges with this. Every time a symptom gets worse, my old patterns want to jump in and understand what’s going on so that it can fix it. But deep down I know that I don’t have to understand and fix. The belief that I am worthy of wellbeing and that all I need to do is trust my body, love it enough to know that it’s got this, it’s got me, brings me such a sense of peace and rightness, I know that this is what I’m here to remember.
It’s scary to think about sharing this epiphany with the world. But I’m sharing it in the hope that for those who a ready to hear it, it will help. I’m sharing it with an intention to spread love in the world. Because the invitation here is not to take on a sense that you’re doing something wrong. My invitation to you is to believe that you are unconditionally worthy of wellbeing and that you don’t have to place any conditions on your receiving of wellness. It wants you to receive it. It wants you to love yourself enough to let it in!
